Am I disillusioned in my walk with God?
I pray I am not.
What I mean by this is, I fear I do not have a personal relationship with Jesus. I want this so bad, but there are times I feel so far from Him.
I want to be cleansed from my sin.
I have been praying about this all week, and then we got a sermon on sin Sunday morning.
God hit me hard,even in worship about how I am still entangled in sin and I want to be set free.
I don't want to be disillusioned my whole life and "think" I am serving God only to hear Him say "Depart from Me I never knew you."
I guess I just don't want to be complacent in my walk. I want to be quick to repent, Quick to say I am sorry, Quick to ask forgiveness.
I battle either being way too hard on myself and living under guilt and stress about how sinful I am or worrying I am being prideful when God is moving im my life and I can really feel and see Him working in my life, moving me a little bit closer to Him.
I want to be free, but I need true freedom. I don't want to live a fake life. I don't want to be so hard on myself I can accomplish nothing for Christ, but I don't want to thinkI am doing good because no man is perfect except, Christ.
It has been a thought process that goes round and round in my head and kind of makes me a little crazy.
I have faith, though, that God will work this out in me.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Carol
Carol was a great lady. She was someone I knew cared about my walk with God, even as a little kid. I don't really remember how my parents met Carol, but I know it was ordained by God.
My Mom worked full-time and my Dad was called away on business alot when I was a kid, so I spent a lot of time at a babysitter. I know God provided the babysitters because everyone was a Godly person who loved my brother and I like family. That in itself is a miracle.
Carol was one of my babysitters. She invited our family to church and made us feel welcome. Some people at this church made a point to make us not feel welcome, but Carol's family always did. We became family to her. She would come and pick me up on Sunday's my Mom had to work. She played with us in her pool. She tried to teach me piano. She made us root beer floats. She was kind with us and made a lasting impression on me as to what Christianity should be. I was a fat, insecure kid who missed being around my parents and she seemed to understand that. She made me feel welcome.
I found out this week that Carol had died. It made me sad, but also I thought of the work she had done for God by just making people feel welcome, that they were important. How I want to leave this Earth knowing I have done some good for someone. Carol might never know how she directed me on the right path with God. She might never know how she made an insecure kid feel like someone besides family cared about what happpened to her. She did a lot for me, but it all came natural to her. She was just being herself.
My Mom worked full-time and my Dad was called away on business alot when I was a kid, so I spent a lot of time at a babysitter. I know God provided the babysitters because everyone was a Godly person who loved my brother and I like family. That in itself is a miracle.
Carol was one of my babysitters. She invited our family to church and made us feel welcome. Some people at this church made a point to make us not feel welcome, but Carol's family always did. We became family to her. She would come and pick me up on Sunday's my Mom had to work. She played with us in her pool. She tried to teach me piano. She made us root beer floats. She was kind with us and made a lasting impression on me as to what Christianity should be. I was a fat, insecure kid who missed being around my parents and she seemed to understand that. She made me feel welcome.
I found out this week that Carol had died. It made me sad, but also I thought of the work she had done for God by just making people feel welcome, that they were important. How I want to leave this Earth knowing I have done some good for someone. Carol might never know how she directed me on the right path with God. She might never know how she made an insecure kid feel like someone besides family cared about what happpened to her. She did a lot for me, but it all came natural to her. She was just being herself.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Vision
Proverbs 29:18
Where there is no vision the people will perish; but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.
Having a vision from God is an awesome thing, to have direction in your life, a point to focus on.
I am blessed, my husband and I have a purpose, a vision, a direction.
In a very few words our vision is to fill our home with people to minister to them. Whether that be to adopt children, help families get back on their feet, house missionaries, help troubled teens or even encourage other christians. W e are leaving the door wide open for God to work, but we have a plan of action and we are diligently working towards that.
Has it been easy? NO!!!
We have been called stupid. We have been told to think smaller, to tone down a bit. Well I say "No Way!" If God says it, He is more than capable to figure out how it will be accomplished.
The problem I see is not in having too big of a vision it is having no vision.
Really a bigger problem than that is those who step out in their vision are the ones to be beaten down, to feel defeated before they even get started.
For me the biggest thing to overcome was not how to accomplish what God has set before me, it was to ignore people's discouraging remarks that tore me down and left me with no energy to do what God has set before me.
Is all of it because of jealousy? Do we think that God can't have a plan for us, so we want to tear down His plan for others? I don't know, but it is time we ask God what our purpose is and do it.
I have decided that whether anyone believes in me and my family or not I will do my best to accomplish the task He has set before me.
So in summary because of the trials I have been through I can truly say I want to get behind those with a passion, a vision and I will do what I can to support and lift them up.
God is so big and has given each of us a place. We need to ask Him what that place is and do it with all of our might and if we can't do that then we had better be sure we are not tearing down those with a vision.
Where there is no vision the people will perish; but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.
Having a vision from God is an awesome thing, to have direction in your life, a point to focus on.
I am blessed, my husband and I have a purpose, a vision, a direction.
In a very few words our vision is to fill our home with people to minister to them. Whether that be to adopt children, help families get back on their feet, house missionaries, help troubled teens or even encourage other christians. W e are leaving the door wide open for God to work, but we have a plan of action and we are diligently working towards that.
Has it been easy? NO!!!
We have been called stupid. We have been told to think smaller, to tone down a bit. Well I say "No Way!" If God says it, He is more than capable to figure out how it will be accomplished.
The problem I see is not in having too big of a vision it is having no vision.
Really a bigger problem than that is those who step out in their vision are the ones to be beaten down, to feel defeated before they even get started.
For me the biggest thing to overcome was not how to accomplish what God has set before me, it was to ignore people's discouraging remarks that tore me down and left me with no energy to do what God has set before me.
Is all of it because of jealousy? Do we think that God can't have a plan for us, so we want to tear down His plan for others? I don't know, but it is time we ask God what our purpose is and do it.
I have decided that whether anyone believes in me and my family or not I will do my best to accomplish the task He has set before me.
So in summary because of the trials I have been through I can truly say I want to get behind those with a passion, a vision and I will do what I can to support and lift them up.
God is so big and has given each of us a place. We need to ask Him what that place is and do it with all of our might and if we can't do that then we had better be sure we are not tearing down those with a vision.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
The Atmosphere of God
I just started reading a book on Rees Howells and something in the very beginning of the book has already got me thinking.
Rees talks about the influence his grandparents had on his early up bringing and he felt as though he passed from earth to heaven when he visited him. He says " God was the atmosphere."
WOW! All I can say is that is my prayer. God be my atmosphere, be so close to me, help my walk be so close to you that my home is filled so much with you that it can be said that "you are the atmosphere!"
Those three words just struck a chord with what I want my home to feel like. What I want my life to feel like.
Rees talks about the influence his grandparents had on his early up bringing and he felt as though he passed from earth to heaven when he visited him. He says " God was the atmosphere."
WOW! All I can say is that is my prayer. God be my atmosphere, be so close to me, help my walk be so close to you that my home is filled so much with you that it can be said that "you are the atmosphere!"
Those three words just struck a chord with what I want my home to feel like. What I want my life to feel like.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Church Stuff
It probably has not been a secret that I have been totally burnt out on church stuff for a couple of years now. I was tired of trying to find God at church and either being hurt or disillusioned by the god I was finding. The glorious thing is that God met me all by myself in my little woods.
He healed a hurting heart and answered prayers I didn't even have the strength to pray. The greatest thing He did is He restored hope. I can once again believe in people and what miraculous things God can do using people.
The whole point of writing this is because once again I am excited about my church. I see people with a heart to serve and a heart to obey God. I am not directly involved in any of it and I really don't want to be involved other than one thing, to encourage. I want to encourage those who are doing something to continue to obey God even when it becomes hard. I want to put aside what I might change or make better to fit my family and support whole-heartedly those who are sacrificing to serve me and my family. I want more than anything to be positive and speak life and if I can't I need to sit down and shut-up.
Speaking positive things or nothing at all is hard for me. When I pay attention to my speech I recognize a lot of ugly things come out of my mouth.
I pray God helps me to watch what I say. I pray He will stop me before I speak bad about anyone or anything and if it is not pleasing to Him I will just keep my mouth shut.
He healed a hurting heart and answered prayers I didn't even have the strength to pray. The greatest thing He did is He restored hope. I can once again believe in people and what miraculous things God can do using people.
The whole point of writing this is because once again I am excited about my church. I see people with a heart to serve and a heart to obey God. I am not directly involved in any of it and I really don't want to be involved other than one thing, to encourage. I want to encourage those who are doing something to continue to obey God even when it becomes hard. I want to put aside what I might change or make better to fit my family and support whole-heartedly those who are sacrificing to serve me and my family. I want more than anything to be positive and speak life and if I can't I need to sit down and shut-up.
Speaking positive things or nothing at all is hard for me. When I pay attention to my speech I recognize a lot of ugly things come out of my mouth.
I pray God helps me to watch what I say. I pray He will stop me before I speak bad about anyone or anything and if it is not pleasing to Him I will just keep my mouth shut.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Funny Story
Yesterday we had something funny happen, but we are probably the only ones that think it is funny. I guess we have a weird sense of humor. Well here goes with the funny happening:
We awoke to hearing our guineas ( if you don't know guineas are large chicken-like birds that are good watch dogs b/c they make a lot of noise and they eat alot of bugs esp. ticks) flapping around and making noise. So Randy gets his gun and goes out to check on them. They had flown out of their coop and were on top of our house. He looked and a raccoon was sitting on top of their coop trying to get in. Randy shot it and came in to get ready for work. When he came in I totally felt like Ma Ingalls saying "Pa did you get that varmint that was gittin in our critters"
I know I lead a sad life when this was my funny story, but I thought it was funny, especially when I have friends that call me Laura or Beth Ingalls and call Randy Manly. They are probably pretty close in comparing us to them. Well anyway I thought it was funny and thought I would share. Hope it made someone else laugh too.
We awoke to hearing our guineas ( if you don't know guineas are large chicken-like birds that are good watch dogs b/c they make a lot of noise and they eat alot of bugs esp. ticks) flapping around and making noise. So Randy gets his gun and goes out to check on them. They had flown out of their coop and were on top of our house. He looked and a raccoon was sitting on top of their coop trying to get in. Randy shot it and came in to get ready for work. When he came in I totally felt like Ma Ingalls saying "Pa did you get that varmint that was gittin in our critters"
I know I lead a sad life when this was my funny story, but I thought it was funny, especially when I have friends that call me Laura or Beth Ingalls and call Randy Manly. They are probably pretty close in comparing us to them. Well anyway I thought it was funny and thought I would share. Hope it made someone else laugh too.
Friday, February 04, 2005
Tiny Ants
Sometimes I feel like a little ant in the grand scheme of things. I am scurrying around trying to fill my life with things and at any moment I could be squashed by a big shoe or worse yet burnt up by a huge magnifying glass.
I think about this a lot when I work for my Dad. Here we are putting a new road or bridge in, taking load ofter load of dirt out and bringing load after load of rock and sand in.
Sometimes it seems very, very pointless.
Does God just shake His head as we scurry around moving piles of Eath from one location to another and then in a few years do it again.
I also think about how precious time has become the older I get. Do I want to work so many hours of my life to pay for one item. Is it really worth that?
So many things just seem futile, like I am just spinning my wheels, wasting my time. I know some things are neccesary, but when I clean or do laundry, it is just going to get dirty again.
I will be the first to admit I can be a neat freak so cleanliness is important, but geesh, can it stay clean for more than five minutes.
I guess I just need help to focus more on the things that will last. Sometimes I just imagine that this world is burnt up, gone. Have I invested only in things that are now smoldering charcoal or are there some lasting things that have gone through the fire? I pray I have invested in lasting things and not wasted my life on a bunch of firewood.
I think about this a lot when I work for my Dad. Here we are putting a new road or bridge in, taking load ofter load of dirt out and bringing load after load of rock and sand in.
Sometimes it seems very, very pointless.
Does God just shake His head as we scurry around moving piles of Eath from one location to another and then in a few years do it again.
I also think about how precious time has become the older I get. Do I want to work so many hours of my life to pay for one item. Is it really worth that?
So many things just seem futile, like I am just spinning my wheels, wasting my time. I know some things are neccesary, but when I clean or do laundry, it is just going to get dirty again.
I will be the first to admit I can be a neat freak so cleanliness is important, but geesh, can it stay clean for more than five minutes.
I guess I just need help to focus more on the things that will last. Sometimes I just imagine that this world is burnt up, gone. Have I invested only in things that are now smoldering charcoal or are there some lasting things that have gone through the fire? I pray I have invested in lasting things and not wasted my life on a bunch of firewood.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Trusting God with my Mistakes
I have a real problem with worrrying whether I have heard from God or not. I know I have missed so many opportunities because I just don't trust God enough to fix my mistakes.
I tend to be a perfectionist by nature. So bad to the point I have refused learning or trying new things becuase I either won't be able to do it perfectly or I will look like a fool trying.
I am ashamed to think of the things I have missed out on because of this.
More and more my desire is to just do what God asks me, whether I can do it perfectly or not. the problem is I second-guess whether I have really heard from God or not.
Was it God, or is it just me?
I have come to a conclusion that God is big enough to fix my mistakes. If my heart is to serve Him then if I miss Him, He is perfectly capable to make it o.k.
I try to think now that it is better to do something than sit on my butt and do nothing.
How many times does God have to send another person to do my work because I was unwilling to try. More times than I would want to think. So I guess if He is powerful enough to fix things when I flat refuse to obey then He is more than able to fix my oops when I am actually trying to serve Him.
I tend to be a perfectionist by nature. So bad to the point I have refused learning or trying new things becuase I either won't be able to do it perfectly or I will look like a fool trying.
I am ashamed to think of the things I have missed out on because of this.
More and more my desire is to just do what God asks me, whether I can do it perfectly or not. the problem is I second-guess whether I have really heard from God or not.
Was it God, or is it just me?
I have come to a conclusion that God is big enough to fix my mistakes. If my heart is to serve Him then if I miss Him, He is perfectly capable to make it o.k.
I try to think now that it is better to do something than sit on my butt and do nothing.
How many times does God have to send another person to do my work because I was unwilling to try. More times than I would want to think. So I guess if He is powerful enough to fix things when I flat refuse to obey then He is more than able to fix my oops when I am actually trying to serve Him.
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