Hell is a scary place

This question has plagued me from early in my childhood until now:
Do I love God or do I just fear going to hell?
As a child I would have nightmares about hell and demons, even now I awake a night with a fear of demons and where they might be hovering in my room.
This morning at church this question just kept popping up in my head.
I don't want to desire heaven only because the alternative is so undesirable.
I want to love God purely because He is God.
I want to truly understand that I really deserve hell, but Jesus through His grace and mercy allowed me in my filth to nail Him to the cross. He shed His innocent blood to cover up my ugliness. He allowed me to do that so that I might be with Him forever. If only I could believe He did that for me and that I did nothing to earn it and without His sacrifice I would be sent to the place I am truly deserving, hell.
It scares me alot that I do not comprehend that fully. I do not live every breathe as though I really understand what Jesus did for me.
I do not want to serve Him just because I fear what hell holds for me.
I have often thought of entering heaven as winning the lottery for me. If I get in that would be wonderful. It would be such a beautiful surprise. The reality is that I am too ugly and full of sin to be allowed in.
Sometimes I think these thoughts are a safe guard against becoming proud and too sure of my salvation. Other times I think I have too much fear in my life and live not a joyful life, but a life afraid more of the devil and demons than in awe of Christ and His love, power, beauty and mercy.