This question has plagued me from early in my childhood until now:
Do I love God or do I just fear going to hell?
As a child I would have nightmares about hell and demons, even now I awake a night with a fear of demons and where they might be hovering in my room.
This morning at church this question just kept popping up in my head.
I don't want to desire heaven only because the alternative is so undesirable.
I want to love God purely because He is God.
I want to truly understand that I really deserve hell, but Jesus through His grace and mercy allowed me in my filth to nail Him to the cross. He shed His innocent blood to cover up my ugliness. He allowed me to do that so that I might be with Him forever. If only I could believe He did that for me and that I did nothing to earn it and without His sacrifice I would be sent to the place I am truly deserving, hell.
It scares me alot that I do not comprehend that fully. I do not live every breathe as though I really understand what Jesus did for me.
I do not want to serve Him just because I fear what hell holds for me.
I have often thought of entering heaven as winning the lottery for me. If I get in that would be wonderful. It would be such a beautiful surprise. The reality is that I am too ugly and full of sin to be allowed in.
Sometimes I think these thoughts are a safe guard against becoming proud and too sure of my salvation. Other times I think I have too much fear in my life and live not a joyful life, but a life afraid more of the devil and demons than in awe of Christ and His love, power, beauty and mercy.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Friday, January 28, 2005
Intercession
The three dreams I wrote about have laid heavy on my heart for these 3 years now. I know that God has called me to intercessory prayer, but I always felt so incapable and unworthy of this calling I would never admit it. I have prayed these past years, but not the way He desires for me. I was always afraid to admit it.
One reason is I see interssory prayer as an awesome gift, one that I surely couldn't possess. I see the intercessors at church and have such a respect for their walk with God and see I am still filled with too much sin to be put in that category.
Another reason is praying is such a hard thing for me to do. My brain runs at a hundred miles a minute. Sometimes I just wish I could shut it off and get some quiet. I can be thinking of ten problems at once and try to find solutions for them all while helping the kids do schoolwork. It makes me crazy sometimes. So in that way I feel very inadequate because I can't seem to focus all of my attention on God and what He wants me to pray. My mind wanders to everything else, but Him. This problem alone makes me see how unworthy I am to serve Him.
Now I am drawn to prayer more and more. My mind still wanders, but I am believing that God will help me. Now my prayers are so intense. I feel pain and compassion I never new possible when I pray.
I still feel so inadequate and I am missing so many opportunities that I just feel so unprepared for. So in a nut shell, the revelation for those 3 dreams is :PRAY!
I am sure there is more, but I am still trying to obey the first revelation. I probably won't get more until I can simply obey what I know right now.
One reason is I see interssory prayer as an awesome gift, one that I surely couldn't possess. I see the intercessors at church and have such a respect for their walk with God and see I am still filled with too much sin to be put in that category.
Another reason is praying is such a hard thing for me to do. My brain runs at a hundred miles a minute. Sometimes I just wish I could shut it off and get some quiet. I can be thinking of ten problems at once and try to find solutions for them all while helping the kids do schoolwork. It makes me crazy sometimes. So in that way I feel very inadequate because I can't seem to focus all of my attention on God and what He wants me to pray. My mind wanders to everything else, but Him. This problem alone makes me see how unworthy I am to serve Him.
Now I am drawn to prayer more and more. My mind still wanders, but I am believing that God will help me. Now my prayers are so intense. I feel pain and compassion I never new possible when I pray.
I still feel so inadequate and I am missing so many opportunities that I just feel so unprepared for. So in a nut shell, the revelation for those 3 dreams is :PRAY!
I am sure there is more, but I am still trying to obey the first revelation. I probably won't get more until I can simply obey what I know right now.
Dream September, 2002
This dream scared me and I was really afraid to sleep for awhile after this one.
I was sitting in my church, close to the front. The church was pretty full and we had a special speaker preaching. I felt a presence at the back of the church. I turned and saw a cloaked figure with a huge sword or axe. He was swinging this sword back and forth coming toward the people sitting in the pews. I jumped up and yelled, but no one would listen to me. They were oblivious to this thing cutting their heads off. Everyone just sat calmly as this thing began destroying everyone in the church. I began yelling and rebuking it and my yelling woke me up.
I was sitting in my church, close to the front. The church was pretty full and we had a special speaker preaching. I felt a presence at the back of the church. I turned and saw a cloaked figure with a huge sword or axe. He was swinging this sword back and forth coming toward the people sitting in the pews. I jumped up and yelled, but no one would listen to me. They were oblivious to this thing cutting their heads off. Everyone just sat calmly as this thing began destroying everyone in the church. I began yelling and rebuking it and my yelling woke me up.
Dream: April, 2002
This one is equally bizarre as the previous one.
Randy and I had a daughter that a cult was trying to drug and steal from us. The cult used a cafe' as a decoy to their real purpose. Randy and set up a plan to go in and rescue our daughter. We went in at dark and snuck into the back rooms of the cafe'. We found her and while escaping ran through the front of the cafe'. This room was filled with our church congregation. They were all sitting up at tables. The closer I looked, though, I could tell that they were all paralyzed and were just propped up in the chairs. They had full control of what they were thinking, but could only move their eyes. Their eyes were pleading with me to help them. I watched horrified as the cult members were taking them one by one and killing them. I tried to grab as many as I could and drag them to safety, but they were so heavy and I felt I was not doing any good, as more and more people were killed before I could get them out in time.
Randy and I had a daughter that a cult was trying to drug and steal from us. The cult used a cafe' as a decoy to their real purpose. Randy and set up a plan to go in and rescue our daughter. We went in at dark and snuck into the back rooms of the cafe'. We found her and while escaping ran through the front of the cafe'. This room was filled with our church congregation. They were all sitting up at tables. The closer I looked, though, I could tell that they were all paralyzed and were just propped up in the chairs. They had full control of what they were thinking, but could only move their eyes. Their eyes were pleading with me to help them. I watched horrified as the cult members were taking them one by one and killing them. I tried to grab as many as I could and drag them to safety, but they were so heavy and I felt I was not doing any good, as more and more people were killed before I could get them out in time.
Dream 4-4-02
This dream was pretty weird, but seems to go along with others I had after this one.
My church and I were going on an expedition to study or kill man-eating dragons and dinosaurs. we had our back packs on and ready to go, but first we sat down at a banquet table to drink wine and champagne. I was sitting close to a bottle of wine and reached out to take some. Someone yelled at me, "You don't need to be so grabby, there is plenty for everyone." So I didn't drink much , but everyone elso drank too much and were getting drunk. I kept thinking, " I need to stay awake or the dragons will come and eat my whole church." So I stood guard around the banquet table.
My church and I were going on an expedition to study or kill man-eating dragons and dinosaurs. we had our back packs on and ready to go, but first we sat down at a banquet table to drink wine and champagne. I was sitting close to a bottle of wine and reached out to take some. Someone yelled at me, "You don't need to be so grabby, there is plenty for everyone." So I didn't drink much , but everyone elso drank too much and were getting drunk. I kept thinking, " I need to stay awake or the dragons will come and eat my whole church." So I stood guard around the banquet table.
Monday, January 24, 2005
Dream: December 15, 2001
I was in a hospital having a procedure done. I was very depressed and didn't know why. I was in a room and a church member walked in to tell me something. She had a piece of paper in her hand. She left the door open and I was in view of a large number of our church congregation. I got very angry and yelled at her to leave.
I was then at a party, lying on a couch very upset. Another church member walked up to comfort me. I then remembered that I had lost a baby. That is why I was in the hospital. The child had died of a hereditary disease, but it was passed from sibling to sibling not from the parents. I then remembered reading a very detailed report on the cause of death and the deformities of this baby.
The meaning of this dream that God has revealed so far:
I prayed for awhile after this dream to know the meaning because it disturbed me so much. God said that this was a spiritual baby. As Christians we are not doing our job in producing healthy off spring or disciples. They are born deformed or still born. They are not capable of walking on their own. We pray for them to get saved and set them loose. We don't take the time to love and disciple people and show them the way.
The reason why the disease is hereditary, but not passed from the parents is that God is the perfect parent, He is not capable of producing anything but perfect, whole off-spring. We on the other hand are His children but we pass our deformities, our insecurities, our sin onto the people we try to bring to know Jesus.
I was then at a party, lying on a couch very upset. Another church member walked up to comfort me. I then remembered that I had lost a baby. That is why I was in the hospital. The child had died of a hereditary disease, but it was passed from sibling to sibling not from the parents. I then remembered reading a very detailed report on the cause of death and the deformities of this baby.
The meaning of this dream that God has revealed so far:
I prayed for awhile after this dream to know the meaning because it disturbed me so much. God said that this was a spiritual baby. As Christians we are not doing our job in producing healthy off spring or disciples. They are born deformed or still born. They are not capable of walking on their own. We pray for them to get saved and set them loose. We don't take the time to love and disciple people and show them the way.
The reason why the disease is hereditary, but not passed from the parents is that God is the perfect parent, He is not capable of producing anything but perfect, whole off-spring. We on the other hand are His children but we pass our deformities, our insecurities, our sin onto the people we try to bring to know Jesus.
Blessings
I have put a lot of thought lately into blessings. I think of things I can buy and things that are only by the grace of God.
My life is filled with so many blessings from God I really feel bad when I have a desire for an earthly possession.
A tiny list of blessings goes as such:
My parents; I didn't choose the life I was born into and my selfish nature would probably have picked a family that would give me more worldly things. The family God chose for me to be born into, though provided far beyond wordly toys and trinkets. Randy says I was spoiled by love and I probably was. My parents loved me with tenderness and discipline. They taught me the value of hard work and respect and honesty and was always there if I fell or stumbled. Even as an adult they still take care of me and help me to be a success as a parent and person. I am so blessed to have my Mom & Dad to love me.
My kids are healthy; far too often we take health for granted. I can not ever pay enough money to get a healthy body. My boys are healthy and no amount of money could replace that. God has blessed me and for that I am thankful.
I have a husband that not only loves me, he respects me; submitting to my husband is not a problem to me because I trust my husband and he shows me great respect. He protects me and even when our young boys talk back to me, he hears and comes and tells them they are never to talk to their Mom like that,ever. Randy is my best friend and money could not buy what God has given to us in marriage.
Blessings abound in my life and I never really have to look far to find them. I try really hard to not let little things upset me because I have so many things I did nothing to earn that could really be gone in an instant, so I need to grab hold and appreciate my life now while I have it.
My life is filled with so many blessings from God I really feel bad when I have a desire for an earthly possession.
A tiny list of blessings goes as such:
My parents; I didn't choose the life I was born into and my selfish nature would probably have picked a family that would give me more worldly things. The family God chose for me to be born into, though provided far beyond wordly toys and trinkets. Randy says I was spoiled by love and I probably was. My parents loved me with tenderness and discipline. They taught me the value of hard work and respect and honesty and was always there if I fell or stumbled. Even as an adult they still take care of me and help me to be a success as a parent and person. I am so blessed to have my Mom & Dad to love me.
My kids are healthy; far too often we take health for granted. I can not ever pay enough money to get a healthy body. My boys are healthy and no amount of money could replace that. God has blessed me and for that I am thankful.
I have a husband that not only loves me, he respects me; submitting to my husband is not a problem to me because I trust my husband and he shows me great respect. He protects me and even when our young boys talk back to me, he hears and comes and tells them they are never to talk to their Mom like that,ever. Randy is my best friend and money could not buy what God has given to us in marriage.
Blessings abound in my life and I never really have to look far to find them. I try really hard to not let little things upset me because I have so many things I did nothing to earn that could really be gone in an instant, so I need to grab hold and appreciate my life now while I have it.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Bad Words
My family has been discussing curse words and what makes a word "BAD"
The reason being my youngest ,Ethan, got very mad playing a video game and said a not proper for a 6 year old word.
My oldest, Elijah spelled what he said so he would not get in trouble. Then I wondered how an 8 year old knew how to spell it!
So I sent Ethan to his room to interrogate him. Turns out he didn't even know what he had said or what it meant so he escaped the soap for now. The problem arises in parenting when your child asks a question you just don't know the answer too. He asked" Why are there bad words?"
My answer "well, um, Why don't you stay in your room and ask God"
Cop-out I know but I didn't know what to say that he would understand.
The amazing thing is what he came up with.
Later he came up to me and said " The devil made up bad words so that we would get in trouble."
I don't know if that is a good way for him to think, but at least he hasn't said "the word" since.
The reason being my youngest ,Ethan, got very mad playing a video game and said a not proper for a 6 year old word.
My oldest, Elijah spelled what he said so he would not get in trouble. Then I wondered how an 8 year old knew how to spell it!
So I sent Ethan to his room to interrogate him. Turns out he didn't even know what he had said or what it meant so he escaped the soap for now. The problem arises in parenting when your child asks a question you just don't know the answer too. He asked" Why are there bad words?"
My answer "well, um, Why don't you stay in your room and ask God"
Cop-out I know but I didn't know what to say that he would understand.
The amazing thing is what he came up with.
Later he came up to me and said " The devil made up bad words so that we would get in trouble."
I don't know if that is a good way for him to think, but at least he hasn't said "the word" since.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Dreams Long Forgotten
I have written down most of the dreams as soon as I wake up, but some of my first dreams( The ones before I really knew that God was speaking to me) I didn't write down.
This is one of the very first dreams I can remember God speaking to me.
About 9 years ago I dreamt this:
I was in a large house filled with teenagers. I went to an upstairs room with a very sick child in my arms to pray for him. The room was dark, but I could still hear the voices of the teens from downstairs. Suddenly there was a large gust of wind that slammed the door shut. I couldn't escape. It felt like there was a presence in the room trying to hurt the child and I was trying to protect it. I began to scream at the presence and telling it to leave in Jesus name. I began praying very loudly and trying to scream for help, but no sound would come out of my mouth.
My husband,Randy. woke me up because I was screaming in my sleep.
In my walk with God at the time of this dream I had no idea what it meant.
Remembering this dream now I can still feel the protectiveness I had for the child. It has awakened a desire God put in my heart a long time ago and brought freshness to the things God has asked my whole family to do. The how to accomplish it all has just not been revealed yet. So we sit patiently waiting and praying for guidance.
This is one of the very first dreams I can remember God speaking to me.
About 9 years ago I dreamt this:
I was in a large house filled with teenagers. I went to an upstairs room with a very sick child in my arms to pray for him. The room was dark, but I could still hear the voices of the teens from downstairs. Suddenly there was a large gust of wind that slammed the door shut. I couldn't escape. It felt like there was a presence in the room trying to hurt the child and I was trying to protect it. I began to scream at the presence and telling it to leave in Jesus name. I began praying very loudly and trying to scream for help, but no sound would come out of my mouth.
My husband,Randy. woke me up because I was screaming in my sleep.
In my walk with God at the time of this dream I had no idea what it meant.
Remembering this dream now I can still feel the protectiveness I had for the child. It has awakened a desire God put in my heart a long time ago and brought freshness to the things God has asked my whole family to do. The how to accomplish it all has just not been revealed yet. So we sit patiently waiting and praying for guidance.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Dreams
God has given me alot of dreams; dreams, goals and aspirations that I want to see accomplished before I die. He has also given me dreams at night. Many I believe are prophetic for my life, but also prophetic for others.
I tend to be shy and under-estimate the power of God in my life, so I have had no idea how to convey my dreams to people. So this is a small start at expressing a mighty work God is doing in my life!
I tend to be shy and under-estimate the power of God in my life, so I have had no idea how to convey my dreams to people. So this is a small start at expressing a mighty work God is doing in my life!
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