It's in the Mail

Today I mailed our paperwork for the adoption/foster care process to begin. Our classes are scheduled and by mid-September we should be qualified to foster and/or adopt. I just ask for prayers and more prayers.This is a big step.


I had a dream last night that I just can't get out of my head :


I was a part of a military group, but we were civilians. We were in an other country and 3 people from our group went to another command post. While they were gone the President of the country declared war against us. Myself and another person went to help the 3 at the out post. On our way there we were met by a group of Americans who needed a place to hide. It was a diverse group. Young and old, sick and healthy. I decided we had to get them back to the command post we just came from. I was carrying a small child and trying to help a sick woman. We tried to blend in with the inhabitants of the town so the military would not see us. A person I recognized came running to catch up to our group but she was detected by the army. She turned and ran up the side of the mountain to not give us away. She was going from apartment to apartment trying to get in and not look suspicious. My heart broke for her, but I could not help because I had this whole group of people I needed to get to safety. We began walking down side streets trying to avoid the army. A person from this country came up to me and gave me his son to take with me and care for him. I tried to refuse, but he would not take "no" for an answer. we crossed a street and tried to go through the backyards of the homes so we could hide easier. as we about to climb over a fence a large suv pulled into the driveway and the driver started to wave a large machine gun at us and was going to kill us. the little boy who lived in the neighborhood stood in front of us to protect us. At this moment I thought of the president of this country and I was out raged. I saw us all as little pawns in his game. He didn't care if we all died and he didn't care if we killed the man in the suv. He wanted his end result no matter who had to die. Then the face of the president changed and became the devil and I saw that we were all just pawns in his little game. I became furious at being used. I didn't want to be a token to be used at his whim anymore. I refused to play the game. Then I woke up.

Ordinary or extraordinary?

Questions: How do we decide what is an ordinary event?
How do we decide what is an ordinary person?
What makes it extraordinary?

Randy and I watched the movie Miracle with Kurt Russell over the weekend. It made me think. This was a movie about the United States Mens Olympic hockey team. They did the unthinkable and beat the unbeatable Russian team and went on to win the gold. That really isn't where I saw the miracle. It was how the coach picked his team. He didn't go for the super-stars, the ones everyone expected would be picked. He picked each person for a purpose. He didn't pick the extraordinary, he picked the ordinary. What happened after they believed they were a family was a miracle.
There were 3 guys they called "The Cone Heads". They were kind of goofy and no one gave them much of a thought, but they brought their team to victory with goal after goal. The goalie was in a slump after his mother died. They didn't think he could make the big plays, but the coach believed in him and expected him to play to his potential. He gave him a chance.

All of this made me think of my life, how we look at other people. How many times do we over look the ordinary to cling to what we think is extraordinary? We could be extraordinary if we weren't always looking for the extraordinary in people, places or events. How many hurting people could be extraordinary if only they had someone to believe in their potential, someone to just stand by their side. How many of us are "The Cone Heads" that get dismissed, but put with the right team we can excel. Don't over look the ordinary in people or events because God WILL turn that ordinary into EXTRAORDINARY in the blink of an eye, if we would only believe it could happen!

Jump-Start Your Dreams

Have you ever had a dream that you knew would come true, but just kind of pushed to the back burner because it was too big to comprehend?
I have quite a few like that and God is bringing them to the fore front really quickly!
We are on the verge of some life changing things and I am terrified! I think it is more of afraid I am not hearing God and will choose the wrong door so to speak.
He is capable and I think those dreams that we thought too big to come true need to be dusted off, taken out of the box and see what mighty things God will do!

Dirty Laundry

It is time to realize the good things in life. I never thought about laundry being a good thing until we moved into our new house.
When we lived in the trailer we had no room for a dryer, it was placed in our block building quite a ways away from the house. Laundry wasn't a simple task. I had to drag it out to the building rain or shine, day or night. Let me tell you I was scared to death a few times by a possum or raccoon rummaging for food. The joys of country life! There were also the times I had no dryer and had to clean clothes in shifts to get them dry or hang them on the line in the freezing cold.
Now that I have a dryer ( that works) I can so I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!!!!!!!
It is really a blessing that makes my life easier. As I was thinking of my blessing today I thought "Oh, Lord don't let me take this blessing for granted. Help me to remember what it was like before, so that I don't get greedy." I don't ever want to forget the good things. I don't want to throw them to the side like an old, used toy and greedily ask for more. Help me to be thankful and content and continually use all of the good things God has provided for me.

The Church Lady

The shrill, schreeching of the phone startled the little Church Lady. She was so engrossed with planning her up-coming meeting she really hesitated to even answer the phone.
"Hello" she said in a curt voice.
"Mom, I am so glad I caught you. I have to work over today, could you please watch the girls for me?" It was her daughter, Darlene asking another favor.
"Now, you know I have my Ladies Tea at church today and I just can't do it." Was the Church Ladies quick reply.
"Mom it would really help me out. We are behind on some bills and the overtime is such a blessing." Darlene responded in a weak, tired voice.
" Well if you would have come to church with me like I asked, you wouldn't be in this mess. I really need to hurry, I hope you can find someone. Tell the girls 'Granny loves them', I have to go now, Bye!" And the Church lady quickly hung up the phone without giving her daughter a chance to respond.
Out the door she rushed, she was never late. It would just not look right for the co-chair of the ladies tea to be late. " I shouldn't have answered the phone," she thought with annoyance.
As she hurried down the street reviewing in her head what the topic of the social would be today, she almost ran right into Leroy.
"Hi'ya, Miss Church Lady." He cried out in his tiny, excited, little boy voice.
"Hello, Leroy," she called out as she tried to hurry past him.
"Miss Church Lady, can I rake your leaves today? You said I could and I really could use the money. Tomorrow is Momma's birthday and I want to get her something special." Leroy waited with anticipation for the Church Lady's reply. Already in his mind he was picking out his beloved Momma's birthday present.
"No Leroy, not today, you know I have a meeting at the church. Now run along, I am in hurry," was the Church Lady's curt reply.
Leroy turned to leave, hot tears burning in his eyes. " What good is a stupid ole' church meeting anyhow" he thought angrily.
The Church lady was ecstatic after her Ladies Tea. It always lifted her spirits, being around all of the of the other saints of the church. She had been nominated to head up the bake sale to raise money for the orphanage in China. She was going to bring her famous chocolate chip cookies. She just knew they would be the top seller. She rushed home to get her grocery list together, she wanted to get to baking her cookies right away. Doing work for the church just made her feel buoyant with joy.
At the grocery, the Church Lady made the mistake of getting in line behind a young mother with two small children. The babies were crying and to make matters worse, she didn't have enough money for all of her groceries. As the distraught, young mother made the painstaking decision of which items she would have to do without, the Church lady thought smugly, " Well, I am so glad I have my finances in order. You would never catch me in such a predicament. The good Lord takes care of me because I am always quick to give to those in need. I always send money to the orphans and contribute to the building fund."
That night as the Church lady curled up in her favorite chair, she reflected on her day. Her heart was warm with knowing how much she had accomplished for her Lord today. She would sleep well knowing all was right in her heart. Sweet Dreams, Church Lady.

The Hospital Bed

His tears were hot and salty as they streamed freely down his face. They landed in a huge puddle on the starched white pillow case. His arm ached from the i.v., it was torture to not be able to lay on his side. The white walls of his hospital room closed around him as he cried out to a God he wasn't even sure he wanted to believe existed. He was battling in his mind, his emotions and thoughts and memories were colliding with one another and becoming a mixed up tangled mess. He cried out to a god he knew had forsaken him. He yelled and screamed 'Why, Why, Why' over and over again in his head. 'why did you even create me to live such a mess. I had no Dad to teach me to be a man, I had no Mother to comfort me and teach me about love. I have been abandoned my whole life and now I lay wracked with pain, deserted by the world. Why not just put me out of my misery.' The pain and anguish of this man's cry went straight to the heart of the Father that was with him through it all, though the man was never aware.
The Father's heart ached and said' Oh, my son if you only knew of the people I asked and prompted to come to your aid. The people I put in your path that looked the other way at your plight. They turned their nose up at your predicament. I have loved you from the beginning and I will never give up. I want you to feel My Love.'
As the Father spoke, He sent yet another angel to prompt and prod another child of His to come to this young man's aid. Not far from this young man's hospital door, sat a gentleman doing is duty to visit a sick member of his church. He was going through his day as he wanted, not giving a thought to much of anything at all. He was startled by the gutteral, almost animal-like cry he heard from the young man's room. He thought to himself 'wow, he must be in some unreal pain'. Oh if only he knew that this man's emotional and spiritual pain far surpassed any physical pain he could ever be in. The Father was prompting, directing the gentleman visitor to speak, to love, to just care for this young man filled with anguish and despair writhing in personal agony, fighting every battle alone.
The young man continuing in his personal battle with the Father once again yelled out in the depths of his darkened mind ' Is there not one person who will hold my hand, touch my brow, put a drop of water to my dry parched lips? Am I so meaningless to this world?'
And again the Father cried ' If you only knew what I am doing for you, on your behalf. If only the ones who call on my name will listen and obey, just listen and obey'
As the young man lying on the stark, white bed continued to writhe in his own personal agony, the man in the hallway slowly began to rise and make his way to his door, as if an unseen hand was lifting each leg and gingerly placing it on the floor. Step after careful step he moved closer to the door, not even really aware of what he was doing. Moving unaware, in perfect sync with the Father to be a messenger of love and safety, not realizing he was about to deliver the message of life.

The Mirror

The bright afternoon sun glinted off of the tiny mirror into her pale blues eyes. Her eyes began to water and she gingerly wiped away her tears. She closely examined her face, the wrinkles, the chipped tooth that made her refuse to smile, the gray, thinning hair, the nose that was too big for her face, all of what she percieved to be flaws, mistakes in God's creation. She stumbled as she walked and gripped a little tighter her little companion, her beloved mirror. She never went anywhere without it. While she cleaned house or talked with friends or shopped or walked in her neighborhood, her trusty little mirror was in front of her face reflecting her image and often her moods for her to see and examine. She could look into her eyes in relive the pain of her past, she could focus on all of her flawed features or on good days remember how nice and kind she is and the beauty that she really does possess. She could make sure that everyone perceived her they way she wanted as she talked to them. Her little mirror kept her enraptured in it while she went about her daily business.
As she walked on this sunny afternoon, peering deep into her watery, blue eyes, she thought how awful her life has been, how everyone mistreats her. She paid no attention when she walked around the little girl crying on the walk, but she couldn't miss the little, pink bike with flowers and streamers on the handlebars. She stumbled over the bike tire laying across the sidewalk. She tried putting her hand out to grab ahold of anything to catch her fall. She landed in a crumpled heap on the sidewalk. She checked herself to make sure nothing was hurt or even broken. Then she saw it. Her beloved mirror, it lay shattered on the ground. It was in a million different pieces, there was no way to salvage it. She was heartbroken. What would she do? How would she make it through her days without it to focus on. As she sat crying and wondering what she would do, she felt a tiny arm go around her shoulder. The little girl sat, with her tears dried, next to the little lady comforting her, giving her reassurance that it would be o.k. The little girl helped her up and brushed off the dried leaves and dirt that clung to her skirt. The little girl steadied the little lady and helped her on her way home. The little lady was lost without her mirror. She didn't know what to do with herself. She thought she must look an awful mess, but the child didn't seem to mind. She chatted cheerfully that her bike would be o.k. and hopefully her mother would find the time to put a bandage on her knee. The little old lady looked at the child and then she noticed the blood flow freely down her leg, staining her frilly white socks and white tennis shoes. The little lady was horrified. This child has been comforting her without any thought to the pain her own tiny body was in. The little lady was appalled at her own self-absorption. How could she miss this little girl's injury? She reached down and gathered the tiny child in her arms and hugged her with all of her might. She then led her home to make sure that her bloody knee would get the loving, gentle attention it so desperately needed.

Steamed Vegetables

The restuarant was alive with action as waitresses buzzed from table to table. We waited patiently for our food, talking, enjoying the activity of the place. Our stomachs grumbled and growled as we continued to experience the tantalizing aromas of other people's dinners. With eager eyes we watched for the moment our waitress would stop at our table with our food, ready for us to devour it. At last it came, piping hot, fresh from the kitchen. As we looked at the presenation of our food were we taken by the artistic nature of it. The pure beauty of the steaming plate of vegetables. The crisp green broccoli, the brilliant orange carrots, the sunny yellow squash, even the muted brown mushrooms were shimmering in their golden buttery sauce. The pureness of God's garden creation, unaffected by man. Tenderly picked and washed of the earth still clinging to the ripe vegetables, tossed in herbs and seasonings, steamed to perfection.
As I was ready to dive into my delectable dinner I heard my companion say" Excuse me, Miss, but could I get some cheese sauce for this." I was crestfallen, cover God's glorious bounty with man-made processed cheese product. As I watched they poured the gooey, greasy, gloppy cheese all over the vegetables, covering their pureness and beauty with false man-made products. Covering up all of the wonderful benefits of the rich vitamin A, C, B and many more with cholestorol and calories. The pureness of the vegetables were gone, covered, overshadowed by man's taste buds for his own desires.

A Story About Love

Once upon a time there was a handsome man who loved a beautiful woman. He called her two or three times a day and said" Darling, I love you!". Whenever he would see her at the mall or grocery store, he would say,"Darling, I love you!" After awhile the beautiful woman grew tired of this and spoke to her mother about it.
"Mother, he says he loves me, but he never takes me for walks and holds my hand, he has never come to meet you and Dad, he never takes me out to eat. He will not talk and share his life with me. When I am in need I feel like I am a burden to him. Is this truely love? Is this all love is?
The mother tried to console her daughter and told her she must decide what she thought love was.
The next day the handsome man called to say," Darling, I love you!" This time the beautiful woman said this," Do not say you love me if you have no action behind it. Your words are detestable to me. You do not love me. You make yourself feel better by saying it. You take no time for me or to share our lives together. Show me you love me and I will know, say you love me and I know it is just to tickle my ears. I do not want to hear 'I love you' again!"
The handsome man was puzzled by this, but thought " She is upset, I will give her time alone and she will see the error of her ways. She will apologize for hurting me."
The beautiful woman began a journey to find out what love really meant to her and found most of all it was an action that didn't ever need to be spoken in words. She could see it not just hear it. She could experience it. She could give it. She never knew love more than when it was demonstrated to her and she never again wanted to just hear the words,"Darling, I love you!"


THE END

My Inner Redneck

Growing up I was always a bit ashamed of my country up-bringing. I felt I was a lower class.
As an adult I am so glad for it. I am proud to be a red-neck, hilly-billy, or country bumpkin.
here is my list of proof I am a red-neck:

1. It is impossible for me to say "hill". It comes out"heel"
2. I learned to drive on my Dad's Allis Chalmers tractor. After mastering that I got up- graded to the old truck to pick-up rocks in the field.
3. I know what a ravelin is and use it frequenty in conversation.
4. I once tried to ride a cow. My Dad refused to buy me a horse-something about them not being practical. I decided to ride our beef cow. I got bucked off and landed in a huge pile of manure. My Mom was NOT happy.
5. I Hate wearing shoes.
6. In school I always had to explain what a "Mamaw and Papaw" were. No one called their Grandparents that.
7.I love Blue Collar T.V.
8. My favorite song growing up was "Elvira" by The Oak Ridge Boys. Elvira, Elvira, My Hearts on Fire, Elivra. What a great memory.
9. My family sits together and enjoys the Dukes of Hazzard on a regular basis.
10. Some of the "You might be a redneck...." jokes are a very true thing in my family.
11. My brother and my cousin could pass for Larry the Cable Guy's twin. No joke. Sleeveless Shirts and all.
12. We have been known to sit in our lawn chairs around our guinea's cage and just watch them. Country livin' at its best!
13. Duct tape will truely fix almost anything.
14. At family get togethers, never ask what the meat is, it could be bear, squirrel, rabbit, caribou, deer, the possibilities are endless.

All joking aside, I am proud of my family and the up-bringing I had. I am also proud of how Randy and I are trying to raise our kids. I enjoy country life and I am glad I finally quit being ashamed of it!

Prayers for the children

I have been thinking alot about prayers, especially concerning my children. I pray daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes by the minute (depending on the day!) for them. I don't want them to have the same struggles I have had finding God and realizing His Love. So I pray a lot for the kind of men they will grow up to be and mostly that they will have such a personal relationship with Jesus that they will cling to Him through all things, at all times, and that they will listen to the voice of God and be quick to repent, quick to forgive, and quick to obey.
I believe with all of my heart that God hears and is now honoring my prayers, but lately I have been crying out for all of the children who have no one to pray for them. What happens to them?
I think about the children in foster care. When they turn 18, are they are automatically suppposed to know how to be a viable part of society? I am not putting down our system at all, I'm just thinking out loud I guess on how people turn out the way they do.
I guess I need to quit watching the news because I am overwhelmed with how evil humans are.
The horrible things we can do to each other. The things that are done to children and we wonder why they can't adjust and be a part of society.
I know God has laid a specific burden on my heart for children who have no one to love them, but sometimes it is so big I can't stand the weight of it. I can't sleep at night for all of the thoughts in my head. The enormity of it boggles my mind. There are a few things I have been pondering and seeking God to put some action behind my prayers.
I know God is a big God and He loves His children. There are so many things I won't ever understand and I pray that I will be willing to put my hand to the task God has set before me.
I know I am incapable of doing anything on my own, so I pray that God will strengthen me and help me to rely completly on Him!

It only takes one

It only takes one negative word to over-ride dozens of positive. I have negatives that I was told in elementary school that over-ride the hundreds of positives that I have heard since. I don't want it to be that way, but for me it is. I just decided today that I don't want to be that ONE anymore. I have said my fair share of negatives throughout my life and I am sure some of my words are still stumbling blocks for people. So with God's help I want to quit being the one or two or three or more negatives that are heard and start being a positive.

Can I be too organized?

After Randy and I moved into our new house I turned into a neat freak. I am completely addicted to plastic totes. I have everything organized and labeled in a tote, on a shelf. I didn't see it as a problem until today. Yesterday we had family over for Elijah's birthday party. he received a slide making kit to go with his microscope. As I sat at the computor today I saw the kit nice and neat on a shelf with his microscope. How is he to play and experiment with it if I have it tucked away on a shelf?
I think I have cleaned and organized my way right out of living. I want everything in a nice neat labeled box and if it is not I freak out, every part of my life is that way, even my brain. I compartmentalize everything. I am sure there is some sort of phsychological disorder I can claim to have. I guess the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem, right!
Randy and I were at Fazoli's the other day and they have glass bottles lined up in the windows. They weren't lined up according to color and it was driving me nuts, I just wanted to rearrange them. The boys have art supplies and play-do in nice neat totes that they hardly ever get to play with because it is just too messy. Enough examples of my craziness, I'm sure someone thinks I need to be committed at this point.
I guess more than anything it was just a moment of clarity when God really spoke to my heart this morning to say"Lighten up!" I need to just have some fun, quit worrying about the messes because they will always be there. I will never be able to have all the messes in my life cleaned up, whether in my house, on my kids, in my relationships or in my heart. I can waste my whole life sitting with everything clean and orderly and be miserable everytime another mess comes or I can have a little fun making some messes of my own.
This makes me think of Ms.Frizzle on Magic School Bus"It is time to get messy, make mistakes and something else, I forgot the rest. Sorry I have resorted to quoting cartoons, but that is my life! So I am off to enjoy the day and forget the messes, they will always be there and from my experience I am really good at making some myself!

I am waaaaaay toooooo Young!

Elijah is now nine. I am way too young for this.
He told me yesterday that he is so excited because he has always wanted to be nine and now his dream has come true. I thought that was so sweet and just so much like him to say it.
I don't know if God could have created a more tender- hearted kid. Some days I sit in wonder how God could have blessed me with such wonderful kids. I have a good life and I really don't deserve it!

Credit Cards

Credit cards are a symbol of instant gratification to me. When I was in college I had one with a $500 limit and it took me more years than I want to think to pay it off. When I wanted something I bought it. I didn't think that in a month I would have to pay for it.
Things changed when I got married, but we have still had our own struggles with credit cards.
What really has made my think of this is how many times do I prevent God from blessing me because I was in too much of a hurry to get something.
When things are going good I can put it on my visa and not think another thing about it.
I want it, so I buy it. How selfish is that?
There have been times in my life that I had no extra money and I learned to do without. I learned not having everything I wanted would not kill me.
Recently God has blessed my family and we are getting out of debt and financially have a little bit of breathing room for the first time in our married life.
The problem with that is I can go to the store and get what I need and in most cases what I want, I don't need to pray and ask God to help me out.
I have been getting convicted on that so I just quit buying anything except groceries and essentials and just asking God for my other needs and mostly wants.
Can I just say God has shown up in a mighty way. It is so restful not trying to figure it all out on my own. If I need it he will provide a way.
There have been a few instances that have blown my mind so I wanted to share.

Ethan puts a hole in almost every pair of pants he owns. He is also very particular about what kind of pants and shirts he wears. They need to fit a certain way and he has a thing about lots of pockets on pants and striped shirts. Well anyway I usually by end of season clearance for the boys in clothes and save a lot of money. I hadn't been able to find any for him. I knew he was running out of pants , but I just didn't want spend $25 on a pair of pants. At church someone gave me a whole bag of clothes for the boys. Inside were two pairs of pants exactly like what he loves, and striped shirts, he was so excited. God even knows what kind of pants my six year old loves to wear!

Last week Randy and I were shopping with the boys. we were looking at weight sets, but I refused to pay $200-$300 for one. So we went to another store, there we ran into my brother and his father-in-law. We talked and it came up what we were looking for. Gary said "Hey I have a really nice weight set at my church you can just have." My brother called me yesterday and will deliver it to our house on Thursday. We don't even have to pick it up. Wow!! I could name instance after instance where God showed up when I was patient and waited on Him. He has given us a car when we needed one, a dryer, clothes, food, money , the list goes on and on of how He provides when I sit and wait and don't try to solve it myself.

Here is where God is really speaking to me. Wait on Him and He will provide and this is the big one: I HAVE to be willing to let go of all of my possessions as well. I need to obey Him and be willing to bless others and not always want to receive. I need to be able to say I own nothing! God is in control of everything and I will freely give as He says.

My Boys

Randy & I decided to buy the boys an X-Box for Christmas. Can I just say that they have a time limit because my sanity holds out for only so long and they would live on it if I would let them. That being said something cool happened and I thought I would share.

They have a Star Wars game that has a split screen and they can pick a character and battle each other. They were playing and yelled for me to come watch. I ran in and they said to me "Look mom, we can make ObiWan praise God!' Sure enough there was Obi with his hands raised to heaven and my boys were so proud of themselves.

I don't really think there is anything profound in that,I just thought it was neat they were thinking of God even while playing a game.

The Hitchhiker

I saw a man on the side of the road, hitch hiking, the other day. It was a cold winter day. The wind was cold and was whipping through his hair. He had no hat or gloves. He was blowing warm air on his bare hands to warm them. I did nothing. I thought, if he is there when I drive back through I can give him some food. He was gone, I will probably never see him again, that breaks my heart. God has been speaking a few things to me since that day.

I have been told by my husband and others that I am never, ever, ever, ever to pick up a hitch hiker and I have promised I won't, but my heart still goes out to them and I want to help in some way. The first thing I think of is that I am so blessed because I have such a support system that I have never been down on my luck. Even if I would do things to loose every material thing I own I would still have such a group of people around me to get me back on my feet. If my car broke down I probably have ten people I could call to bail me out, If I lost my home I would have numerous people to take me in. I don't ever want to take that kind of support system for granted.

When I see someone on the side of the road, I wonder what happened in their life that brought them to this spot. It doesn't matter what brought them there, the fact is they are there. Now what can I do take make it a little bit better. Sometimes I think we do that to new people who have just accepted Jesus. We wonder about their sin and how they got their life in mess. It doesn't really matter how, as much as it matters now what can we do about it to help them get on the right path.

Another question I have been pondering since that day is this: If we could just help one person at a time, bring them in our home, love them, give them essential life skills, SHOW them the love of Jesus, help them on their way and then start all over again with someone else God brings our way. What a difference that would make in this world. I know, it is probably way too idealistic, but it is a thought that is running around in my head.

I just wish I had bought him some warm dinner. Maybe next time..............

Disillusion

Am I disillusioned in my walk with God?
I pray I am not.
What I mean by this is, I fear I do not have a personal relationship with Jesus. I want this so bad, but there are times I feel so far from Him.
I want to be cleansed from my sin.
I have been praying about this all week, and then we got a sermon on sin Sunday morning.
God hit me hard,even in worship about how I am still entangled in sin and I want to be set free.
I don't want to be disillusioned my whole life and "think" I am serving God only to hear Him say "Depart from Me I never knew you."

I guess I just don't want to be complacent in my walk. I want to be quick to repent, Quick to say I am sorry, Quick to ask forgiveness.
I battle either being way too hard on myself and living under guilt and stress about how sinful I am or worrying I am being prideful when God is moving im my life and I can really feel and see Him working in my life, moving me a little bit closer to Him.
I want to be free, but I need true freedom. I don't want to live a fake life. I don't want to be so hard on myself I can accomplish nothing for Christ, but I don't want to thinkI am doing good because no man is perfect except, Christ.
It has been a thought process that goes round and round in my head and kind of makes me a little crazy.
I have faith, though, that God will work this out in me.

Carol

Carol was a great lady. She was someone I knew cared about my walk with God, even as a little kid. I don't really remember how my parents met Carol, but I know it was ordained by God.
My Mom worked full-time and my Dad was called away on business alot when I was a kid, so I spent a lot of time at a babysitter. I know God provided the babysitters because everyone was a Godly person who loved my brother and I like family. That in itself is a miracle.
Carol was one of my babysitters. She invited our family to church and made us feel welcome. Some people at this church made a point to make us not feel welcome, but Carol's family always did. We became family to her. She would come and pick me up on Sunday's my Mom had to work. She played with us in her pool. She tried to teach me piano. She made us root beer floats. She was kind with us and made a lasting impression on me as to what Christianity should be. I was a fat, insecure kid who missed being around my parents and she seemed to understand that. She made me feel welcome.
I found out this week that Carol had died. It made me sad, but also I thought of the work she had done for God by just making people feel welcome, that they were important. How I want to leave this Earth knowing I have done some good for someone. Carol might never know how she directed me on the right path with God. She might never know how she made an insecure kid feel like someone besides family cared about what happpened to her. She did a lot for me, but it all came natural to her. She was just being herself.

Vision

Proverbs 29:18
Where there is no vision the people will perish; but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

Having a vision from God is an awesome thing, to have direction in your life, a point to focus on.
I am blessed, my husband and I have a purpose, a vision, a direction.
In a very few words our vision is to fill our home with people to minister to them. Whether that be to adopt children, help families get back on their feet, house missionaries, help troubled teens or even encourage other christians. W e are leaving the door wide open for God to work, but we have a plan of action and we are diligently working towards that.
Has it been easy? NO!!!
We have been called stupid. We have been told to think smaller, to tone down a bit. Well I say "No Way!" If God says it, He is more than capable to figure out how it will be accomplished.
The problem I see is not in having too big of a vision it is having no vision.
Really a bigger problem than that is those who step out in their vision are the ones to be beaten down, to feel defeated before they even get started.
For me the biggest thing to overcome was not how to accomplish what God has set before me, it was to ignore people's discouraging remarks that tore me down and left me with no energy to do what God has set before me.
Is all of it because of jealousy? Do we think that God can't have a plan for us, so we want to tear down His plan for others? I don't know, but it is time we ask God what our purpose is and do it.
I have decided that whether anyone believes in me and my family or not I will do my best to accomplish the task He has set before me.
So in summary because of the trials I have been through I can truly say I want to get behind those with a passion, a vision and I will do what I can to support and lift them up.
God is so big and has given each of us a place. We need to ask Him what that place is and do it with all of our might and if we can't do that then we had better be sure we are not tearing down those with a vision.